We have started collating some tips as part of the Toolbox when times are tough and the activities or experience of your friendship change. Keep in mind, these may not apply to everyone in every situation, and is a starting point; feel free to contact us with your ideas so we can help others.
You might want to check out the Look After Your Mate guide produced by StudentMinds which gives loads of information and ideas about how a friend can help. Below, we have a few ideas about the little things that can help manage friendships, from a personal perspective. Perhaps reminding us that even doing the basics can be an achievement...
When you're struggling...
Try and brush your teeth every day, at least once. If that’s too much, ask someone to buy you some chewable tabs, or some chewing gum, so that you at least have a fresh mouth. Smelling fresh makes a difference.
Use deodorant. Being smelly doesn’t do anything to lift your mood. I know. I tried it. Try dry shampoo. See point 2. Showering is often way too hard. Smelling better doesn’t need to be. Use hand cream or body lotion. When showering is too hard, it can still be nice to do something good for your skin. Lip balm’s nice too - especially if it’s minty. Drink more water. Our minds and bodies really can’t operate without it. Even when I can’t manage to eat much, I try to drink plenty. Get some baby wipes. You can wipe your face, hands… and they are good for cleaning spills on clothes. They help me feel the illusion of fresh, which is better than nothing. Try and manage one thing a day that you used to enjoy. It might be listening to some music, watching some T.V., getting out for a walk, playing a computer game. Don’t try to enjoy it, or beat yourself up when you don’t. Just keep on doing something, in hope of the day when the shift comes and it starts to feel good. Doing something also gives you something to say to people when they ask how you are. If you’re struggling with conversation, try reflective questioning. Basically you just have to concentrate long enough to hear what the other person is saying, then turn it into a question. So if they say “I’ve been busy” you say “so you’ve had a busy week?” Hopefully they’ll start filling in the gaps with what they’ve been doing, and you can ask them about that. That way, you don’t have to think of anything original, and if like me you struggle to arrange your face properly at least they’ll know you’ve been listening. Have set times for social media. Most people I know find social media a mixed blessing. Set times to look at it, or try taking Facebook off your phone so that you have to use a lap top. Whatever works for you. In any case try not to look at phone or tablet screens after 8 pm. The light waves can affect your sleep, and if you’re anything like me you don’t need any added interference there. Don’t try to do too much if you’re having a better day. Pace yourself. I know that I get tired after talking with people after about an hour. So even on good days I try and make excuses or leave friends with my husband for a bit of a break after about 45 minutes - it’s good to stop before you’re completely worn out by something. Wear headphones and shades if you get anxious outside. As long as you’re careful in traffic, this helps screen out all the noise and bustle, and gives you an excuse not to acknowledge people if you’re not up to it. Try keeping a journal. I write poems or do stickmen drawings. I have friends who take photos or write diaries. It helps to notice small changes which would otherwise get missed. And if I’ve worked something out (e.g. drinking more makes me feel a bit better) it helps me remember it. Re-reading what I’ve written helps with this. |
When you're waiting to help...
Make drinks. Make or bring food. Stay to eat a bit with them. (Unless they have an eating disorder. If they do, stick to the drinks unless you know them really well and can ask them how they feel about eating together).
Bring hand cream. I get through a lot of it when I’m not washing often. It can be a nice thing to do for yourself on the darkest of days. Lip balms and baby wipes are also always welcome. Try not to question or analyse too much. Chances are if your friend is really poorly there will be other people doing this. Even if they aren’t in touch with other services, you’re not their therapist. Just let them know that you’re there for them, and that you care for them. Do something together. Go for a walk, watch some TV, listen to some music, look at magazines, play cards or a computer game. It doesn’t matter what. Trying to come up with topics for small talk when all I’ve done is sleep and stare is tough. Doing something together takes the pressure off. Chances are I won’t be concentrating well, so don’t be offended if your friend forgets what you’ve done with them. Re-watch the episode, relive the conversation. Try and be patient. Try and help your friend to get into a bit of a routine. When I’ve been at my lowest, I barely remember who I am. Having a bit of a timetable (e.g. go for a walk with a friend on Monday, lunch with a friend on Wednesday, cup of tea with a friend on Friday) at least gave me fixed points of time to aim for in the week, to think “I’m someone who walks with her friends”. At times that’s all I’ve got. This helps with friends who are a long way away too. A text on a set day or at a predictable time can really help. Don’t stay too long. Try to spot when your friend is tired - my signs are increasingly slurry words, losing track of the conversation. Make your excuses when you spot the signs. Don’t expect change. Mental illnesses take months and months to recover from. If you’re in it with them, be in it for the long term. Try not to say things which could back fire, like “you’re looking better.” I hate hearing this when I’m gritting my teeth to stay put. Wait to hear good news from them. They’ll tell you when things are getting better. Don’t expect anything you do will help. You can’t cure this. Your friend won’t expect you too. Staying in touch with them as they battle on through is enough. Don’t take rattiness personally. On my better days I’m often hideously bad tempered. It makes a change from grey numbness but isn’t much fun for those around me. It really is more about me than them. Just try to stay kind. And, on a similar front, don’t be offended if they don’t respond to your Facebook post, or text. My memory is terrible. I often read something, think “how nice”, but get distracted or can’t think of what to say in response, and then forget. Again, it’s more about me than them. Try to stay patient. Offer to wash the pots, or run the hoover round. Let your friend know you’re not commenting on their standards, just trying to think of a way to be useful. Don’t think that tears mean sadness. My emotions are on disconnect. It’s awkward when people comfort my tears when I’m not actually sad. Just ask why they’re crying, and only give comfort if needed. |